Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
