He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
