woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
