I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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