I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
