i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
