The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
