The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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