you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
