Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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