i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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