fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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