the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
