I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
