Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Randomize
