You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
