i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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