who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
