You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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