So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
