I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
