I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I am available for nakedness
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
