Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
