As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
