last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
