i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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