I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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