apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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