Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
