I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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