Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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