hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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