god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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