I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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