1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize