I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
