Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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