All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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