When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize