I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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