i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
