Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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