The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All the doctor said was why
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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