do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
