so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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