just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
