i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
