you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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