She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
