I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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