a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
