Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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