How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
