I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize