I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize