You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
operation have a gay friend backfired
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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