Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
