I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
