He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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