ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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