made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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