I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
