Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
